ISSUES #22: MAY 2016
The Black Family
THE FAMILY
THAT SLAYS
TOGETHER...
STAYS
TOGETHER
Vernon R. Heard
MAY 2016
"I love the potential for the family unit to instill self-esteem, knowledge of history and the definition of family in their young minds. Lessons that they will take forward the rest of their lives."
Nothing warms my heart these days like seeing the Black family evolve. I love it. Families from all walks of life, economic levels, and all over the world. I love the rapt attention I see on a child’s face when listening to their mother’s voice. I love seeing a dad taking an active role in a son or daughter’s life. Even something as simple as a ball game or a movie or taking them fishing. I love the potential for the family unit to instill self-esteem, knowledge of history and the definition of family in their young minds. Lessons that they will take forward the rest of their lives. Lessons that they will, hopefully, pay forward to their children and their children’s children. Basically, I enjoy seeing parents show up for their kids. Providing for them materially is one thing but bonding and connecting with them is much more substantive and is actual parenting in my opinion.
A strong family unit is the major building block toward a strong community. Strong parents actually RAISE young men and young women. Hopefully they grant them a sense of responsibility, an ability to focus on education and, possibly, a mind-set to take a stand in where the wellbeing of their community is at stake. Hopefully they set the example that all youth need to see to continue the evolution of our families. The Black family is vital. Our families are often misrepresented in the media or discounted as an important factor even for marketing and advertisers. (Except, of course, for the usual Black character dancing and cheesing for the camera. That’s relatable, right?) Fact is, we love our kids, we teach them right from wrong, we want to see them educated, we don’t want them gunned down in the street by criminals (even the ones in blue), we want to marry and raise intact families and we have massive buying power. The Black family’s building blocks are many. A few of them are discussed here…
TEACH THEM STRONG FAMILY TIES
“Love above all and family first.” -Doveaner Wilson (aka Granny Heard)
I can hear my grandmother preaching those phrases to me and my brothers like it was yesterday. It’s funny, the ideals that we, as kids, used to reject out of hand from our parents stick with us as adults.
I grew up in a single parent home. I’ve spoken many times about my mom’s struggle to raise three boys on her own. I sometimes have to reflect and wonder what the hell held it all together during our upbringing. It damn sure wasn’t money. It wasn’t “things”. We had no car, barely Christmas, electricity shut offs, phones shut offs, etc.
The one thing that our house was always full of was love. The thing that didn’t cost anything. Don’t get me wrong, me and my brothers sometimes fought like strangers and despised each other for periods at a time but, in the neighborhood, nobody could mess with my brothers without seeing me. We survived and we are the better for it. Even now we still fight occasionally but the love never wavers. And we surely unite when there is anything that
stands against our loved ones. This is one of those cornerstone lessons we’ve carried forward. Blood is thicker than everything. The family that slays together, stays together.
TEACH THEM HISTORY
Historically the Black family has been under attack as a form of control. The psychology behind ensuring the family unit was torn apart is evident even today. It is as much a part of American history as the Civil War the California gold rush. Author and civil rights activist William Monroe Trotter wrote “The commercial value of the chattel was the dominant consideration, leading the slaveholders to buy and sell slaves without consideration for relational ties. From the outset, then, the black family life was assaulted in America; indeed such assault was both fundamental to and a function of the system… The post-Reconstruction period was also characterized by an attempt on the part of the white aristocracy to regain control over black labor. The mechanism that restored many of the features of slave labor was the prison-lease system. The prison-lease system contributed to the ongoing breakup of the black family by simultaneously removing married black males from their families and preventing unmarried black males from forming new families.”
If there is anything positive that has come from the oppression we have endured, it is the testament to the resiliency of the Black family and the strength and endurance of the Black woman. As a people, we have always been able to take our circumstances and innovate; from
soul food to fashion to the original home schooling (back when it was illegal for Blacks to read and write). Fast forward to 2016 and the Black community continues to innovate and evolve. We have persevered. Today, there are still mechanisms in place designed to tear apart the Black family. They have been refurbished and modernized and maybe renamed, but they are present. In spite of this, we recognize the need for the intact Black family and the impact on our youth without the leadership and guidance of involved parents.
TEACH THEM THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL
Let our girls know that there is no single definition of beauty. Let them know that there is a “TV” version of beautiful and a real world definition, and why. Beauty is a state of mind that starts with you letting them know YOU think they are beautiful, and why. Daily. With our reinforcement, the chatter of Barbie beauty is much less significant. Let them know that beauty is not “things”… not necessarily fake hair, not light eyes , not how much skin they are willing to show and definitely not LIKES on social media. Beauty comes in a variety of flavors and they should see themselves as prize catches that few are blessed or able to attain.
Teach our sons what beautiful is and isn’t. Show them how beautiful Black girls are; all shades, shapes and sizes. Teach them how to see beauty from the inside out. Teach boys how their queens are to be treated, respected and loved. Teach them that there is beauty in standing up and being a man and handling their business. There is beauty in being the head of the household and building a family. There is merit in loving life and understanding that they are entitled to a future and to live to see it. Let them see that being educated and taking their destiny in their own hands is the real definition of a being a “real one”.
Realize that the best way to impart these lessons to our children is through example. Carry yourself in the way that you would instruct your children. Verbal reinforcement is great but kids observe actions and can discern the disconnect between the two.
TEACH SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
I’m not one to preach politics to my kid or to my family, but I think it’s good to teach social responsibility in home, in the community, country wide and, if possible, worldwide. This could be something as basic as “pick up trash in your community” or “vote” or “volunteer”. It could be something as involved as being part of a collective voice against injustice. It’s important to stand for something and that’s the underlying message. Care. Pay attention. Speak up. Perpetuate humanity.
The world could use more Shaun Kings or Deray McKessons and Black Lives Matters organizations.
A sense of spirituality can be critical to establish a moral compass in the family. This coupled with leadership from the heads of the family keep us on track and out of the system. Believe in something. Be it God, Jehovah, Yahweh, freedom of speech, reparations, or that Tupac is still alive. Whatever it is, focus on whatever encourages you to stay emotionally centered, that encourages you to treat others the way that you want to be treated, that encourages you to lift up those that are not doing as well as you. Embrace that.
In summary, the Black family has to be a sanctuary for its members. Something like a fortress whose foundation and security system are made from love. A haven one can revert to for support, encouragement, a sense of belonging and a place without judgement. A place of shared memories, tears and triumphs... a family. Not perfect, but a family. Build yours.
TEACH THEM TO BELIEVE IN SOMETHING
#positiveblack
#RiseShineRepeat
