Just Show Up

The Black Family

JUST

SHOW

JUNE 2015

Vernon R. Heard

There is a vast difference between being a daddy and being a father. Being a daddy says some things about you. For instance, it says your sperm count is up; you’re not a virgin; you were able to treat, trade or trick a woman into having sex with you and, most importantly, you don’t like condoms. Mostly that you don’t like condoms. Now being a daddy is sometimes the measuring stick by which some guys gauge their manhood. They wear pregnant girlfriends and their offspring like badges of honor as if they’ve passed some test of machismo. But really, when you bring a child into this world, that’s when the test really begins. Then, you either man up and start learning to become a real father or you play dumb like you don’t connect the work and responsibilities of raising a child with that third trimester belly about to pop.

Teeth brushing lessons are free.

For dudes that turn tail and run when it’s time to step up, shame on you. To those that are transitioning into that 18-year education program called “being a real father”, I have some advice for you… just show up. Just show up for your kid. You don’t always have to have money or gifts for your kid to see that you have genuine, unconditional love for them. You can engage them in many ways… converse with them, learn about them, teach life lessons to them and learn life lessons from them at the same time. Hell, you might even learn some things about yourself to be proud of.

Just show up. At their games, at their plays, birthdays. Just be there. You can be the loud proud dad or the laid back cool dad. Send that message that your child matters. Make the effort to find things you can do together. Riding bikes, swimming or going to the beach or movie night on the couch or at the theater is all the same to your child. They enjoy doing things of course, but the key element in the equation is you. Make memories with your kid. What you’ll teach them is that love isn’t “things”. Love isn’t Xboxes or flamboyant overpriced items. Love is camping in the backyard, love is going fishing, love is building a dog house or fart jokes or… just… you. Just show up.

It’s not important if you’re with your kid’s mom or not. As long as you commit to being consistent in your child’s life the rest is just back story. Letting a fractured relationship with the other parent prevent you from being involved with your child is the worst thing you can ever do.

Women, take the time to nurture sons and daughters. That reverential bond between mother and child seems to have been corrupted down through the years and mothers don’t seem to be quite as high up on the pedestal as they once were. Kids don’t really revere the mother the way they used to. Make time with your child for them to fall in lifelong love with their mother.

There are tons of single moms out there that are handling their business to provide for their households. Don’t get too caught up in the paper chase to bond with your kids. Especially at a young age. Waiting till later may risk you never reaching them at all. We all know that teenagers have little to no use for their parents (besides rides to places and money). Show up for them in their formative years to even stand a chance with them later in life. Make their time spent with you positive memories.

Some things only a monther can help her daughter with.

My friend and one of my fav wordsmiths, Jenea Inconnue, said it best in an online post..

“Kids remember pivotal events in their childhood, even if they don't realize those events are pivotal at the time.

When I was a kid, my mom couldn't make a lot of the performances I was in and I felt a way about it. Knowing that, I have tried to be at any and every event I can possibly attend with mine. Sometimes I'm late, sometimes I have to finangle schedules...

There have been times when I couldn't make it...and I feel disappointed, but there's nothing like the joy inside when your child spots you in the audience and has an extra sense of pride when they know YOU SEE THEM."

Having a kid changes your life forever, if you’re doing it right.