Relationships: The Ties That Bind

The Black Family

AUGUST 2015

The Ties

That Bind

Vernon R. Heard

Relationships:

Navigating a relationship can be treacherous journey. It’s no easy task to give of yourself, become a viable part of a couple and maintain your own identity simultaneously. There are always the nearly unanswerable questions “What do women really want?” and “What do men really need?”. A trick question at best because, as individuals, different people need different things.

My usual disclaimer applies that I am NOBODY’S love expert. I have, however, been married for almost 28 years so I know how to AT LEAST pick my battles. :-) Relationships work that are based on respect, first of all. In both directions. But bear in mind that to require/demand respect you have to be sure you are respectable. If you want to be head of the house, you have to have leadership qualities to justify the position. What do you bring to the table? I'd like to point out a few points that I think should be the foundation for any relation to flourish.

#1 - CHOOSE WELL

I think it pays to understand what you consider a deal breaker in a relationship of any length. What’s on your “HELL NO” list? Whatever it is, you have to simply stick to your guns about it. It’s easy to be tempted to bend your own rule when the right, tight body or pretty face comes along. A bent rule is easy to rationalize when you tell yourself ‘we’re just gonna kick it’. That kicking it session can be a slippery slope to a place you don’t want to be long term. Decide wisely and choose well.

There is a lot being said about easing overly strict standards to ensure you don’t bypass “the one”. To an extent, I agree with that. But meeting someone halfway is not the same as ignoring your HELL NO list. HELL NO traits are the point at which you shut down that new boo candidate. Shut down gracefully, but shut down nonetheless.

Choose well. Someone that respects you and, moreover, respects themselves. If you connect with a fixer upper, make sure you can accept them at their current state because that person could very well be a “what you see is what you get” deal. The idea of changing someone speaks more to your expectations of your power within a relationship than it does your understanding of the person in front of you. Don’t try to mentally morph the person into where you think you can take them. Have an understanding of what you need in your life and how much (or little) wiggle room you will give them. Tight body or not.

#2 - COMMUNICATE

Communication is key. Not only should you be open to a two-way street style of communication, I think it’s more important HOW you talk to your mate. Bitchy tones (from women OR men), accusatory phrasing and comments or, my pet peeve, stage whisper-style muttering ‘under your breath’ that's loud enough for the person to hear you (whew!!) are all arguments just waiting to happen. Remember you can get more flies with honey than vinegar.

That said, I think it’s best to be forthcoming with issues that need to be addressed. Letting things go unsaid or letting them fester usually means the issue comes up at the wrong time (like during an argument). The real issue has the potential to be overshadowed when your comment is perceived as a weapon you’ve used against your partner. You may have to work at it but find a way to insert some diplomacy with your message. It will sometimes make all the difference in your message being received.

A key position is to make sure your mate feels comfortable communicating with you. Communication only works when it flows in both directions. If your partner feels that you don’t receive info well, they will clam up. Clamming up tends to translate to YOU as keeping secrets. Keep it simple and talk. Good, bad or ugly talks at least keep you communicating.

#3 - QUALITY TIME

Making time for your mate doesn’t necessarily mean a flamboyant vacation or a gigantic gesture. It can be as simple as date night with no distractions. Turn off the cell phones and text availability and focus on your mate. Talk. Better yet, listen.

Before my son was born, my wife and I would check in a local hotel and hide out for a night or a weekend. Nothing fancy.. it might be Motel 6 or Quality Inn while dining on Wendy’s or the local BBQ joint, watching movies. But NO ONE would know our plans and we were unavailable until we came up for air.

Another cool thing is to learn your mate's tastes and plan something that THEY love to do. Take yourself out of the equation except for being there by their side as they enjoy their moment. Plan and execute it. It matters.

On another note, I try to do the same thing with my son. When I pick him up from school or practice, I purposely ignore the phone and texts when we are having a conversation. He’s kind of caught on that that small period getting home is our time to chat about anything and no one can intrude on it. He never says anything about it but I know that’s gotta feel pretty good that we have our time carved out that belongs to him. It’s a little thing, but it matters.

If you love'em, make the effort to focus on them.

#4 - FIGHTS

See the Communication section above. Fights are going to happen. They don't occur on a schedule and usually won't inspire you to play fair.

Don’t do it in front of your kids. Don’t do it from a vindictive place. Relationship fights aren’t high school lunch room arguments. You don’t use the moment to see who can come up with the most hurtful jabs. Apologizing down the line doesn’t really take away the sting of hurtful personal attacks.

Again, I’m no expert but what I DO know is that you don’t irreparably burn bridges with your mate. Heat of the moment outbursts can be catastrophic when your only task is to inflict pain on your partner. Keep the issue in perspective and stay focused on the subject. There's no guarantee that you will reach a resolution in every case so keep the option open to agree to disgree. No one has to 'win' every time.

Oh, and keep your hands to yourself!!

#5 - MONEY

In my opinion, couples entering into a relationship and opting to keep their money separate is the wrong place to start. The notion already puts a damper on the expectations of the relationship. It kind of says that you actually aren’t “in this thing together” but that you’re going in half on expenses like roommates. I would be prudent to ensure that, like child rearing, you agree on financial philosophies including percentages to save, rainy day money, retirement investments and other money matters. That’s just my perception.

Money is another issue whose integrity is maintained by communication. Budgeting, savings and investments, college or retirement options are things that need to be discussed and planned. Even if the discussion is that there is no money, conversation keeps the cards on the table.

CHILD REARING
This can be a touchy subject as parents tend to lean toward raising their kids the way they were raised. That may not always be a good thing. There can be philosophical clashes. For example, an old school parent and a more lax one can bump heads on even the basics of raising a child; the step-parent of a child may have discipline disagreements with the natural parent; a relationship where one parent is young and another is older could definitely reveal some differences in ideals. The central issue should always be providing the childe with the tools they will need in adulthood.

It would behoove would-be parents to discuss children and their concepts of parenting before they find themselves raising a child (see communication above). Please conduct yourself accordingly in front of your kid. They are watching everything you do and taking it all in. They will be emulating you before you know it. Your vocabulary, your lifestyle, your life priorities, how you treat your wife\husband, and especially how you treat them.

With child rearing, there are things to consider early on.. ass whippings or time outs? Church or sleeping in Sundays? Leader or follower? Are you both ready to basically put your own lives on hold to make sure that your child has what he or she needs to be safe, educated, fed, and self-sufficient? Are you mature enough to raise a child?

SEX

Some people consider it politically correct to de-emphasize sex in a relationship but sexual compatibility is a key element to a long term relationship. Some things you want to know the answers to when entering a committed relationship. Are you tested? Is your partner? What defines too much sex? What defines not enough? Do you have the same kinks or interests?

Learn your mate and do what it takes if you want to keep them. It sounds harsh but what you won’t do, someone else will. Don’t use sex as a weapon against your partner. It can be so tempting to withhold sex to punish your mate or to get your way but you could also be pushing your mate toward someone who also uses sex as a weapon. Only their objective may be to steal your mate.

Keep your sex life fresh and new. Be careful about falling into routines and patterns in the bedroom. Don’t do it only on Thursdays. Don’t do it with the lights out every time. Don’t do it in the bed every time. Don’t do it in the house every time. Keep a curve ball up your sleeve; and some bail money may be handy as well. LOL! This concept is the perfect response when you’re asked the inevitable question by a single friend... “Are you sure you can be with only one person for the rest of your life?”. Creativity is the formula to deal with that mind state. Naturally it takes two to Tango but if you get the right one (see Choose Well above) and you guys are open with other (see Communication above) it can be a beautiful thing.

In closing I’ll add that every household is different. Every woman and every man is different and responds to the same stimuli differently. The information I’m imparting is very general so treat it like material at a cloth store and customize it to your situation and your mate. I know that I omitted a bunch of things in this write up like... religious faith, meddling friends, parents and in-laws, clubbing without your significant other, social media's role in relationships and much more. This article is not a blueprint for relationships, just some of my observations and experience.

Do what’s best for you!! Be blessed! Love one another!!

#positiveblack

#RiseShineRepeat