I’ve asked myself

What if I had taken his hand 

That morning after

That morning after, when I awoke in tears

Heart aching, gut wrenching, but too proud to 

Back down

From what I didn’t remember audibly

But inwardly, guttural instinct from a few hours before

What if I had taken his hand

Outstretched, asking? Wanting? 

Me?

To explain

What I could not even know myself

The hormones of safe sex

Depro-ducing with each month passing

Sex and love so beautiful, so passionate

With meaning, with purpose

Never been had before

The hormones of safe sex

Laden with repercussions not known

Until it was too late

Too late to believe

I’m here for you

I will be here for you

As you are for me

Until I can no longer try 

To communicate with you

Or never really did?

These sentiments were new.

My person 

Only 4 days after

Birthing everlasting love from empty fingertips

Upon that keyboard on the day of my birth

My person

Who described feeling so unsafe from my feminine

Outpour

And in the end

Ending with a beginning

Just a few weeks later

Of new revelations of hormones

And what they can do..If only one

Or both knew 

The ignorance of not knowing

But not ignoring the penalties of not using

My person

Who stood beside me I knew so strong in conviction and true

Stood no longer

When confusion and the confused which was I

Was brought anew

This person, never truly "my"

Who said he needed to walk his path alone

For all but a few weeks

I later learned

I believe

Was not really ready for me or anyone

There is still healing, but no blame

But I can't help to wonder

What if I had taken his hand?

That morning after

That morning after, when I awoke in tears?

 

 

-Tonya Nicole